If Only-If Only

I have to say…I’m not one for drama. And maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t try to stand up for myself too much. But right now I feel like screaming in the faces of a few people. But mostly, I feel like saying “I feel pretty friendless right about now.” And the thing is…I think that’s the most honest thing I’ve said this week.

I understand that a few of my friends are busy with life. Such as Jay. Yeah, I know he’s busy and whenever he is on, we usually talk or email. And I love him for that. But when I make plans with a friend and she blows me off just to hang out with three other people(two of whom I also consider friends) it sorta hurts. Like really bad. And I don’t know if they just don’t think or if they just don’t care. All I can say is…I think I need some new friends. Badly.

I remember back in school, two of above mentioned people, and I would always hang out. We went to movies after school, the mall, stayed all night(or tried to) in cabins and went on “Adventures” but I guess now they’ve moved on. And I have to wonder if it’s because of something I did. Is H mad at me because I refused to do her English papers in college? Was Z never a friend?

I’m just so sick and tired of shit. What, you don’t want to hang out with me because I don’t have a car? Or because I didn’t have money to get you something for your birthday? Well, what is it? I’d love to know.

So…I guess, in the flesh wise, I have…Brad. And Angel, but she’s not exactly close to my age, but more a less an awesome Mother figure who I do hang out with…a lot. And Neko and Nikie but they don’t live here anymore so it’s sorta hard to see them.

I wonder if this is karma or something. Some shit went down and I pretty much said “FUCK YOU” to a friend and now I wish I never had because I believe her with all my heart and wish I could take it all back. I wish so much for that, that I’d give anything, even my own life. So…I guess I get to feel alone like she probably did when even I turned on her.

It’s not nice. I feel like I could die tonight and no one would show up to my funeral. Oh wait, they’d probably all show up and try to act like they were my best friends. I’d almost bet there’d be some “We always hung out”s and “I wish we hung out more”s.

I guess my main thing is…before, I’d ignore it and just be thankful I had friends. Now, however, I don’t feel that way. I just want to leave and never look back. I want to have people who care and don’t act like I’m always the last, worst plan conceivable and should only be thought about when A) They want something; B) Everyone else is tired of their shit or C) Being near me will accomplish something they want.

Fuck you people. I’m so over it.

Yeah. It’s gotta be karma.

And on a last note. Ashley Nicole Brown, if you ever read this…I am so fucking sorry. I love you soooooooooo much. I treated you like shit and you didn’t deserve it at all. I know you’ve told me I’m forgiven and I just wish you were here to hug right now. Because…honestly, I don’t think any of my “Actual friends”, not to be confused with “Part-time Backstabbing Friends”, could cheer me up like you could. They could take me to the moon and back and not make me smile. But if you were here and you smiled, I’d know things would be ok. You count for not only My Best Friend, but the only friend I’d ever need in life. And before I turned into a backstabbing bitch myself, you would’ve happily been that one best friend.

I love you, Ash ^.^

What if...

What if I don't give a damn anymore, hm?
   Why do I know that you won't even notice?
      When will it all come to a screeching halt?
          How could the shell around my heart, the one made from the pain and poison secreted-hardening into a fine metal, break?

 Simply.

 Because of you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

For making me...for making me...for making me...for making me...

feel this way, you who is spawned from demon, claiming ties to man.

And then there was....

Was what?
Are you dying to know?
  I bet you are.
   I can hear that lovely organ of yours beating frantically, faster and faster and...
     I'm not going to tell you.
For I fear that overactive heart of yours could not handle knowing.
Fiendish, aren't I?
        No?
Well, enjoy that dream that is comfortingly rocking you, wrapping it's tendrils of goodness around you for don't you know all dreams become nightmares when I get involved?

Perhaps a change of scenery.

Oh, joyous news!
I've begun work on my next doll. I do not yet know what I shall name her, she has neglected to whisper it sweetly into my ear whilst I sleep. Alas, there is plenty of time left for that. Perhaps she's too shy and proper to gallivant around my chamber without pretty garments of pretty colors adorning her pale porcelain flesh.

Oh. How a sewing machine would hasten my work. I suppose though, that I do not mind having to work painstakingly slow. Stitch by stitch, my work comes to finish. However slow.

I  feel anymore should I write would be dreadful and dull. Perhaps next time, I will allow you a peek into my mind.
  And maybe there, you will find what was once.

The Day I'd celebrate year 'round

Yes. It's finally that time of year again.

And yes my darlings, I'm speaking of the (in my opinion) greatest holiday ever: Halloween.

Okay, so plans got changed a bit. I'm still going to hang out with my "third wife" Shellena and James. We have no idea what we're going to do, but we'll figure something out.

We could play Fatal Frame 2(yes, I'm packing it and my ps2 with me) and maybe my Ouija board, too.

Well, my "costume" as some people would/will call it, consists of my home mad mini top hat, two skirts( to make the top one furl out a bit), black/purple leggings, a black tank top and a frilly white off the shoulder shirt underneath. And people can't fathom why I feel like a pirate when I'm dressed.

That's beside the point though. So anyway, getting back to the non-existent subject.

The Walking Dead comes on tomorrow and I can't wait to catch that since I want to see that too.

But on the other side of things, the horror movies on this month seem pretty lame. Or maybe I've just missed all the good ones. Who knows.

Carrie, the one without what's her name, comes on tonight later. It'll be on at 11 and my sister had the nerve to tell me I could tape it in the bedroom. But wait, I forgot. Opps. I'm glad my sister did say that because the fact that it's Saturday night has completely slipped my mind. My anime shows come on tonight. Whether or not she said I could tape it in the bedroom because of my shows or because she had something coming on she wanted to watch is unbeknown to me.

Oh, said sister made me so mad earlier today.

It's fine when she goes into my stuff and grabs items she needs that don't belong to her but our Mom called her while Mom and I were in town to ask her where she put my Scar tattoos that I'd need tomorrow and she says, "I think they're in my purple folder but don't be getting into it. I don't want you snooping though my stuff."

Oh, but it's fine for you to get into my stuff? She even tries to hide it. For example, if she were taking a shower, she'd have her clothes held to her chest and she'd come walking though and my compact would fall out. Did she bother to ask me if she could get into my bag and get it? No.
When she wants some perfume, does she ask to get into my bag to get it? No. If I say anything to her about it, she tells me that I should have it sitting on the counter for everyone to use.
Go to her house and so much as move a bottle of her (expensive $25 perfume Mom brought her) and she'll throw a fit. But she can get her hands all over my cheap .99 cent perfume to her hearts content.

But enough of that. I'm super excited about tomorrow. I absolutely LOVE Halloween.

I'd even give up x-mas AND my birthday for it. And on that note, I really wish I was born on Halloween. No, not because I love it so much as opposed to I love all the little hair accessories, leggings, costumes and all that stuff. When January rolls around, all that is gone. Even if my birthday was like, oct. 15th, I'd be happy. Halloween stuff is out on the shelves by then. Oh, how easy it would be to get me something then.

And I guess I need to finish writing this. I need to jump into the shower and shave and be all ready. Tomorrow, I straighten my hair, do Clara's makeup, take pictures of the kids and head out to Shellena's for a frightfully fangtastic Halloween night.
...
....
.....
......
      Anyone else think that last line was a little...corny?
Yeah. Me,too.

<3

This is Halloween...This is Halloween!...

Oh...wait. Never mind. It's just my bedroom. Opps.

Anyways...tomorrow marks the day a friend and I being work on our Halloween costumes. We're going as our own versions of The Red Queen (your's most fearingly) and The Mad Hatter. But...I have an issue. I own like no red clothing. Black. Purple. Grey. No red. Dead serious. So it kinda sucks. But then again, if I'm going as MY version of the Red Queen..who says I have to be decked out in red. So yeah.

And I've been getting heat out of it too. A few people are like "Why are you making a costume? Just go buy one." Few reasons for that.

1)If I go out and get a costume now...I'll have already wore it numerous times before Halloween actually gets here. (Everyday is Halloween in my world.)

2) I'm bigger. I admit and I'm not going to pay an extra twenty bucks or go all the way to Bowling Green to the nearest like costume shop( B.G is like 2 hrs away) just to look at costumes.

3) This is more fun and creative.

4) I like making stuff and this is definently something to take up time.

so uh. yeah. I'm done.

<3

• Mood: Amazed
• Listening to: my typing
• Reading: The Girls He Adored
• Watching: YOu
• Playing: with your dead cat O.o
• Eating: whats left of your dog
• Drinking: ......the bird bath.xD

I wish I had a really cool nickname

And that has nothing to do with what I'm going to write. All right so I might be fibbing...but just a little. I want to be a self proclaimed Murder Tramp. But not in the definition that most people give it. I, Dark, now say that I am a Murder Tramp...corresponding with the definition of: A girl who enjoys horror movies, the gorier the better.

Okay, so back onto the non-existant point.

I'm growing my nails out and it's sorta weird typing.

And I'll be getting a new digital camera when my 'rents can afford it. Or I could take my Dad's. Why?
My mom got mad at me and slammed my penguin backpack down and then my dad, trying to make people laugh, threw it in the floor...and then I took out my camera and every picture I took is straight up black.
So my dad started bitching that it was my fault, that my camera should be kept in a case and my retort was "and my bag shouldn't be thrown and slammed down either." So, he told me I could have his or get a new one when they have the money to afford it. So, I told them I wanted mine and not his because my camera was awesome. It took pictures and video footage. So I'm mad about that now and haven't spoken to my "Mommy-dearest" yet and probably won't til tomorrow or something. Who knows with me.

But anyways...yeah. I don't really have anything to write about. Well, so I do but the honest answer is I don't feel like it. I'm going to go outside and freeze my ass off for a cigarette, probably get like bronchitis again and refuse to go to my crack head doctor.

Time again to pull off an X-tra sticky bandaid

My sister called me this morning to let me know that Nikie had been calling her phone needing to talk to me. So when I was in town to babysit I ran by her house to see what was going on.

Nikie met me at the door and had a...sullen, guilty? look on her face. I asked what was going on.

"Well, uhm, Mom's coming in this September for Elliot's birthday on the 25th and then...I'm going with her back to Illinois and then we're going to Wisconsin."

So she's leaving again. Kinda...sucks. I mean, I look at the big picture when it comes to friends. Some of them are too busy with school. Others are too busy with new friends, new friends about whom they gripe because they're just being used by them, but still hanging with them. Others have new boyfriends or girlfriends and are spending all their time with them.

So in retrospect, I feel kinda all alone. Even my yahoo buddies are too busy to drop a line every once in awhile. But that's understandable. It's not like they can drop by my house or call to ask how's life.

So, now determined more then ever, I'm going to try to go to college. Probably won't be able to with the whole Money thing, but I'm going to try. Maybe that's what I need. A change of scenery. New friends. New life, in general.

This is too depressing.

  Maybe I'll write more later.