If Only-If Only

I have to say…I’m not one for drama. And maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t try to stand up for myself too much. But right now I feel like screaming in the faces of a few people. But mostly, I feel like saying “I feel pretty friendless right about now.” And the thing is…I think that’s the most honest thing I’ve said this week.

I understand that a few of my friends are busy with life. Such as Jay. Yeah, I know he’s busy and whenever he is on, we usually talk or email. And I love him for that. But when I make plans with a friend and she blows me off just to hang out with three other people(two of whom I also consider friends) it sorta hurts. Like really bad. And I don’t know if they just don’t think or if they just don’t care. All I can say is…I think I need some new friends. Badly.

I remember back in school, two of above mentioned people, and I would always hang out. We went to movies after school, the mall, stayed all night(or tried to) in cabins and went on “Adventures” but I guess now they’ve moved on. And I have to wonder if it’s because of something I did. Is H mad at me because I refused to do her English papers in college? Was Z never a friend?

I’m just so sick and tired of shit. What, you don’t want to hang out with me because I don’t have a car? Or because I didn’t have money to get you something for your birthday? Well, what is it? I’d love to know.

So…I guess, in the flesh wise, I have…Brad. And Angel, but she’s not exactly close to my age, but more a less an awesome Mother figure who I do hang out with…a lot. And Neko and Nikie but they don’t live here anymore so it’s sorta hard to see them.

I wonder if this is karma or something. Some shit went down and I pretty much said “FUCK YOU” to a friend and now I wish I never had because I believe her with all my heart and wish I could take it all back. I wish so much for that, that I’d give anything, even my own life. So…I guess I get to feel alone like she probably did when even I turned on her.

It’s not nice. I feel like I could die tonight and no one would show up to my funeral. Oh wait, they’d probably all show up and try to act like they were my best friends. I’d almost bet there’d be some “We always hung out”s and “I wish we hung out more”s.

I guess my main thing is…before, I’d ignore it and just be thankful I had friends. Now, however, I don’t feel that way. I just want to leave and never look back. I want to have people who care and don’t act like I’m always the last, worst plan conceivable and should only be thought about when A) They want something; B) Everyone else is tired of their shit or C) Being near me will accomplish something they want.

Fuck you people. I’m so over it.

Yeah. It’s gotta be karma.

And on a last note. Ashley Nicole Brown, if you ever read this…I am so fucking sorry. I love you soooooooooo much. I treated you like shit and you didn’t deserve it at all. I know you’ve told me I’m forgiven and I just wish you were here to hug right now. Because…honestly, I don’t think any of my “Actual friends”, not to be confused with “Part-time Backstabbing Friends”, could cheer me up like you could. They could take me to the moon and back and not make me smile. But if you were here and you smiled, I’d know things would be ok. You count for not only My Best Friend, but the only friend I’d ever need in life. And before I turned into a backstabbing bitch myself, you would’ve happily been that one best friend.

I love you, Ash ^.^